Gloomiest day of my summer break 

At the start of 2014, it was pretty bad. I remember sitting down on the grass, staring at the cars driving by and listening to ‘Iridescent’ on replay. It was one of my go-to songs when I’m feeling discouraged. 

I get reminded all over again why I chose my major. It was a long year trying to figure things out, trying to feel worthwhile. Some people don’t quite understand what it feels like to be so sad you can’t even get up. You know what the symptoms of depression are, you know people who suffer from it. But everything you know, you know it from the books. What do you really know? 

Some people don’t quite understand how it feels like to think you’re a burden to literally everyone around you. I don’t just mean the kind whereby you forget your books & your parent drove all the way to pass it to you. I also mean the kind of burden whereby you genuinely think people will be so much happier without you. You can’t do anything right, you have all these dreams and goals but never good enough to fulfill them. You stay in bed all day, watching the sky outside turn from dark to light to dark again. And some people don’t understand. They think it’s all in your head. 

I get annoyed just thinking about all the people who think those who commit suicide are cowards. Because if you really think that, then you truly don’t understand what sadness can do to you. Death by suicide hits me so hard in the guts. Why? 

For someone to actually go through the process of harshly taking their own life away, I can only imagine how devestated they must’ve felt towards life. To think you have nothing left in this world to smile about, oh boy…how sad you must have been? My heart aches when I think of this. My only regret is that the stigma towards mental health has a slow progress. Honestly I think the only way you can truly understand someone is to feel what they felt. 

The last time I wrote about death by suicide was Robin Williams. It happens every single day, we have to do something about it. Williams’ death hit me hard as well because his role in Dead Poets’ Society made me a better person. 

You know what hurts me the most about Chester’s and Robin’s deaths? What they created gave me hope to continue on facing the difficulties of life, yet they themselves failed to do so. If only those people you “saved” could save you too. I’m so sorry we couldn’t…. 

Thank you, Chester. Linkin Park would’ve been so different without you and your voice is irreplaceable. It might take me a while to listen to LP songs without my eyes tearing up, but I sincerely hope you found the peace you so longed for. And your kids….oh boy, I hope that they’ll grow up well. Rest in peace. 

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don’t resent me and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory, and leave out all the rest. 

Leave out all the rest. ❤️ 

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