Happy 21st birthday, Pokémon. Thank you for existing, thank you for creating this wonderful franchise. 

You gave me something to look forward to during my darkest moments. 

You gave me a purpose, albeit a temporary one. 

You taught me perseverance which I have yet to master. You taught me the courage that is required to stand up for something you believe in, which I have yet to master. You taught me the importance of friends, but I’m still getting there. Everyone says Ash is lousy because he spent so many years but he still isn’t a Pokémon master. The truth is, something so great can’t be achieved in such a short amount of time right? It can take years, 10 years, 20, maybe 50. A dream that huge, a dream that far fetched, a dream that impossible…it takes time right? 

But Ash has a goal and a dream. This takes me back to one of the episodes in XY whereby Serena was feeling so lost and aimless. She didn’t know what she wanted to be, while Ash was all ambitious. Sometimes I’m like Ash, but mostly I’m like Serena. In the end, Serena found her goal, but I have yet to find it. Ah… this aimless life I am leading. 

I’ve been feeling really tired these days. If Dazai was here I think he would be pissed at how I am leading my life. It’s just that there’s this pain in my chest that I can’t get rid of. I’m letting it sit there because I don’t have the guts to get rid of it. I don’t even bother trying to figure out how. But I digressed. 

I was never good at playing competitive Pokemon. That was something that bothered me. But really, there’s something about getting to set off on an adventure with a team by your side, saving the world, becoming the champion that comforts me. Like I said, it gives me a purpose, albeit a temporary one. Even a temporary purpose is good nowadays. 

I think I was having too much of a hard time for the last two months. I think my Doojoon Junhyung Hyunseung Yoseob Gikwang Dongwoon were suffering a lot too. My beautiful B2ST has reached this current stage. When I’m at my lowest point, your music kept me going. I can’t even listen to your music nowadays without tearing up. But then you guys came and say all of you will be okay. I don’t know about HS because 5 of you have each other but who does he have? Others might think I’m crazy for liking you guys so much, getting so involved with your business. Truthfully, the 7 years of supporting all of you has outlast some of my friendships with the actual people around me. What an irony. On the 2nd saddest day of B2STxB2UTY’s life (the 1st was HS leaving), I couldn’t even cry. All the years spent building up the name “BEAST”, the hard work, the pain and hardships faced. The six of you stuck together, faced haters, but received even more love, within a split second your name was taken away from you like this. When I was younger, Beauty and the Beast was one of my Favourite fairytales. I felt that Belle was really pretty with her brown hair, and she has kind eyes. It felt like fate that the first idols I ever felt so crazy in love with was called Beast. I was a B2uty, you were my B2st. I will and always will be immensely proud to call myself a b2uty. The posters in my room still has 6 of you together, with BEAST written across it. Ah…. we are never getting back those days are we? I can go on forever about how much I’ll miss those days, but I know you 6 will be feeling 10 times sadder than me. Maybe 20x. 100x. 

It’s okay. We will start together again. My  Doojoonie, yoseobie, kikwangie, Son nam shin, junhyungie. All 5 of you on one side. And my Hyunseungie, you on the other. I’ll support both sides and try not to overthink. 

All of us will be okay, I promise. 

Just hear me out for a while

It’s been a really long day. It’s been a really long week. Actually, it’s been a really long month. I learnt something called the semanticization of remote memories in cognitive psych, and it made me a little…sad. What it means is that we tend to forget the episodic details of our memories faster than the semantic ones. To put it in simpler terms, we tend to forget the personal experiences and autobiographical aspects of our memories. For instance, your first love. Initially you tend to remember every thing about it – from the first time you fell in love with him, how you fell in love and why was it him. The first time he acknowledged you, all the times you accidentally ran into him in school and he greeted you… Many years later, all of these episodic details will decay. You will forget some of them, you will remember certain details wrongly. All you are left with is the semantic memory of “Oh yeah! I did have a first love…probably in 2004 or something? Yeah.” You are left with the dry, boring facts of some of the sweetest and most precious memories of your life, and I think that’s the saddest thing I’ve learnt so far.

So, I made a promise to myself. From now on I am going to write down everything that I want to remember even when I am a demented old lady. I’ve always been keeping a diary ever since I was 6, but they are usually full of rants and sad moments. I realise I didn’t want just the sad moments, and when I entered uni I slowly stopped writing in my diary that much. Simply because I had truly a handful of not-so-good moments and I am really tired of having diaries and diaries of sad moments. Hehe. But you know what? Sad or happy, I think I am going to start recording them down again. I do not want to be left with just the dry, boring facts. I want to remember a lot of things! So yeah, guys, if something is precious to you, make sure to write it down. Sometimes we think we will never, ever forget.

But we always do.

Anyway it is finally recess week! I played Mario Kart with 3 of my friends in school today and it was actually fun. Halfway through the game, I thought of the MK 7 3ds game that I sold away because it was shitass boring as there was no one to race with me. I thanked my friends and told them I realised how important it was to have friends in your life. My friend told me, “Woah don’t change this into a HTHT~”, but it’s really true. There was one race all 4 of us got the top 4 positions (I was 2nd!) in the team race and we yelled so loudly. It’s moments like these that I want to remember forever.

Went out with the gang afterwards. We visited our sec school and it changed a lot. Many trees were cut down, buildings came up. It was no longer the same school I remembered, but somehow I feel like it is the school I am the most attached too. This doesn’t mean I had the best time there…it just means…I visit it the most after graduation. I only visited my pri school once or twice after grad, my JC only once to take the SGC, but AHS? So many times.

I started this post with the intention to talk about a certain topic but now I don’t think I am ready to talk about it. Maybe another time. Kudos.