I am exhausted. 

Mentally and emotionally AND physically drained. 

2 more papers down today, and it was a bad day. Normally I would use a more tame way of saying “I screwed up”, but TODAY I need to use an even stronger way of describing….I F***ED UP! I panicked so badly and I stayed anxious throughout the entire 2h 30mins holy sheeeeeeet. To make things worse, my nose kept running and my mucus was all over my nose at one point of time. There were a couple of wet mucusy tissues on my desk which took up space, then later eraser dropped and can’t find and left 5 mins I could not erase my diagram and and and…..I could go on but it doesn’t matter. 

Perhaps I just didn’t revise enough or try hard enough. That paper was tough…like really tough. I am probably the biggest idiot for not realising serotonin affects aggressiveness although I’ve been learning about serotonin in 3 of my mods. Bottomline: I f***ed up real bad. 

But here’s a shout out to my cheat sheet which saved half of my ass. Because the other half is destroyed in all the questions that if you’re sane, you wouldn’t have thought of putting it on your sheet. Zzzzzzzz. 

But I know you’ve tried to save me! You looked so apologetic as I scanned you and silently cursed in my head that I didn’t add that info to your body. Thanks bud, that was my fault not yours. 

So today I saw my mom’s car drove past me and I ran after it, opened the door and jumped into it. I am such a Jackie Chan! Obviously I got scolded for doing that but the car wasn’t going very fast in my defense. I think my brain is just so tired I no longer process the idea of danger. 

In summary, kiyodu is super exhausted and sad today. So how do we solve this? 



Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Or Black Friday for us to be exact. But Happy Thanksgiving to people on the other side of the world! Sometimes I feel that Singapore should have more festivals for us to celebrate. Like just manually create some….We can have a fireworks festival, or Carrot Cake day. Or some shit. Basically, I just want more holidays with historical value! 😛 But anyway I had the most unproductive 2 days ever…goshhhhhhhh, procrastination is seriously the bane of my existence. I just can’t help it! Self-handicapping all day err day zzzzzzz.

So anyway since there’s Black Friday sales going on, I went to check out the Nintendo E shop and bought Harvest Moon: A New Beginning! Kinda wanted to check it out for a while but it wasn’t a die-die-must-buy game for me. So since it was on sales, I decided to buy it. COS IT WAS ON SALES…..OK!? #stopspending$ongames

I did nothing academic-related yesterday and this is killing me. 3 more papers and my productivity level dropped horrendously. I watched a few clips of Hello Counsellor, which is this really educational counselling show in South Korea. (Ok actually we could call it a variety show too but educational sounds better.) I realised many problems arise from the error in communication and unexpressed feelings. SOOOOO many unexpressed feelings. I think what left the deepest impact on me was this part about a little girl and her mother. Basically her mom got a divorce so it’s just her and her daughter living alone, and they decided to adopt 2 dogs since it was a lonely life.

But the girl’s complaint was that she felt her mother love the dogs more than her. When she fell sick, her mom will just buy her soda and nothing much. When she has bodyaches, her mom will tell her go rest or something. But when the dogs fell ill, the mom spent $1000 medical bills, and massages their legs and necks. She also speak to her dogs in a gentle baby-ish tone, but to her daughter it was just the normal tone. The daughter often got nagged at for eating in front of the dogs and making them hungry, so the mom always ask her to eat faster and go back her room. All in all, she felt her mother didn’t value her as much as the dogs.

Basically everyone was upset and shocked listening to the girl’s story. Ah but in the end after some proper questioning and digging deeper, it was revealed that the mom view the daughter as the sole supporter after her divorce. It was just her and her kid now. Yet her daughter goes to school and spent more time with her friends, leaving her lonely mom at home. So her mom got the dogs and eventually (probably subconsciously) started treating her dogs the way she wanted to treat her daughter. She claimed the dogs listen to her problems, greet her in the morning, eat with her, play with her. When she wants to give her daughter a hug, the daughter will, “Moooooooom don’t do that~~~ It’s so hot today~”

But you know how some of us are… I kinda relate to the daughter because I am just like her in that sense. When my mom tries to pinch my cheeks and hold my hand, I’ll be like, “Mommy I’m studying!!!” But it doesn’t mean that we don’t like it. AH! I think the word is embarrassment isn’t it? So in the end both of them realise they just wanted the same thing. The mom wanted the kid to spend more time and pay more attention to her, and she value her daughter a lot.

Oh but I must say, her dogs are really spoilt. Her dogs nipped the daughter and she didn’t scold them. But that’s her problem anyway, we can’t always control how people train their dogs. As long as they don’t abuse them, then it’s fine by me. SO YEAH~ That was how I spent my stupid day when I should have been revising for my 3 upcoming papers. No use crying over split milk liao~~~~~~~ Good thing I always have a back up plan.

And that’s burning the midnight oil. (-.-) ADDDDD OIILLLLLL!!!

I just want my hols

2 papers down woohoo! Exactly a week from now before I can finally PLAY MY POKEMON!!!! Ironically, I found myself getting distracted by Youtube and I ended up spending my entire evening watching this ludicrous reality show called Dating in the Dark. Basically it has the same aim as SP dates…they want people to like each other for personality and not judge based on looks. In the end they were feeling each other up in the dark and gauging the weight by subtly holding the wrists. Some of them say things like “I don’t feel any connection at all.” But when the “experts” matched them up and gave them their compatibility %, suddenly everyone is like YEAH I did feel a connection. The human mind is so easily manipulated. Now I am upset I spent my whole evening watching that show LOL…thanks to Ellen actually. She was talking about dumb reality shows and one thing led to another……….

What I think is that looks may not have matter so much if people did not have expectations. Hearing someone’s soothing voice in the dark somehow puts certain images in your head: “Oh he must be good looking…maybe tall and handsome.” No expectations, no disappointments. In the end, I think it is still better to just date in the conventional way… at least you don’t seem like an ass when you reject someone after they reveal the looks. Lame show I must say…but damn is it not addictive LOL. I just like to watch how they say they have a connection then immediately reject when the looks are revealed. Why do people go on such shows to find love anyway?!?!?! Does it really work? In the end all I took away from the show is that waistline, boob size, height, smell of the person is what people pay attention to 😜 

Enough about the show. Today something really weird happened. It was around 7:30 am or something? I kept hearing this weird sound while sleeping and it woke me up. Da heck, it was this announcement that kept repeating “Ding dong deng. Ladies and gentlemen……” IT KEPT REPEATING. I was really groggy but I sat up and placed my ear beside the window. I thought maybe got some disaster or some shit. Oh this was in my amazing, run-down depressing looking hall 1. 

Anyway I still could not hear the announcement clearly. And I did not see anyone exiting their rooms. In fact it seems like no one was bothered by it!!! I heard my loomies in the toilet and waited for some reaction from them, BUT NO! Even my roomie was in deep sleep. But the announcement kept going. And going. And going. Gosh, was I dreaming?

I made out some words like…lighthouse…get out of your rooms now. LOL. Then it suddenly struck me. All my notes I had been revising….this documentary I once watched….


That’s how it starts. A voice in your head that arrive suddenly. In my half awake state, I really thought I became schizophrenic. Zzzzzzz. I lay back down in my bed and felt so confused. So the announcement continued repeating. I even checked my whatsapp chats to see if anyone commented about it. BUT NO. At the point I really thought , “Holy shit is it really in my head? Or is everyone in hall 1 a deep sleeper? Or have they all evacuated and this announcement is like the last call??? I cant even hear what the announcement is saying!!!!!” 

Luckily my roomie suddenly sat up. I immediately went, “Do you hear something?!?!?!?!” I have never felt so glad to hear a “yes”. Till now I still dont get what the heck I heard or where it was coming from. But thank god I am not schizophrenic.

I felt the faith in myself waver for a moment. 

I felt the positivity in me seeped out gradually.

I woke up in despair from the bad dreams I had the past 2 nights. I try to do something different each time but the outcome is still the same. 

But anyway, finals. Right now I just want to get it done and over with….. Still getting terrible exam jitters before the paper each time. I started feeling nervous one day before zzzzzzz. Gosh I truly hate finals. 

There’s just so many expectations to meet and if I don’t meet them, what do I do next? Where do I go from there? 

All we have is our right to feel lost. To dash recklessly through the depths of the gutters, like stray dogs splattered in mud. – Dazai Osamu

Can I just say…

That whoever composed this piece of music is a complete and utter genius. This is hands down one of the best in-game background soundtrack I have ever heard. Been listening to it on loop while studying ever since it came out.

And this is probably the most well thought out game trailer among all the other trailers:

God, why can’t finals just be over already? #howlongmorecanIcontrolmyself

I want to play you so badly.

Meeting the man behind it all

It was a rather last minute decision, going to see Ayoma Sensei that is. Since study break started, I’ve been behind time on my study schedule. Felt sleepy all the time and had very low motivation to study…actually I am still feeling like that now. I know I know, everyone’s fighting the battle of Finals but here I am, almost giving up. It’s just that I am so behind my schedule that I end up losing all my motivation. Which was why I almost didn’t go to meet Ayoma Sensei…I knew I will be even more behind time. 

It’s a love-hate relationship with Finals zzz.

After considering for 2 days, I decided that some things are truly a one time off event. After all we regret more the things we did not do than the things we done right? So I bought a tix and off I go! 

But I went without eating my dinner so felt really faint when I reached my destination. Had to buy a fweaking hotdog that cost me 6 bucks. Cognitive dissonanced myself by saying, “Ok la it was pretty nice.” 

So because of the hot dog I was really late for the event…like by 10mins maybe? Or 5? The chamber was full and the lady told me they are allowing only 2 more people to enter. Such luck sia. I did not know there was a limit to the attendence but phew, I managed to be the last 2 to enter. 

And there he was, the brains behind one of my favourite animes since I started watching animes…Goshyo Ayoma sensei!!! He was an adorable man, just like the characters he created. I couldn’t believe it…this was him! The very man who made Kudo Shinichi and gang! It was a Q&A session and he did mention Detective Conan might be reaching the climax soon. Which is terrible news to me… I wanted to ask him what are his retirement plans…if nothing much might as well continue writing Detective Conan leh…! Hahahaha. 

He admitted that he did not actually try out the murder tricks in the story. And one briefing can go up to 12 hours just to decide the rough plot. He created each episode with an ending in mind and that his favourite couple was Shinichi and Ran. There were also characters who were almost not born, such as Takagi and Hattori Heiji. They were made only because the anime needed them. Also, the Black Organisation are named after alcohol names just cos he found it cool, not because he likes to drink. He’s also in SG sketching some places that he hopes to include in his 1000th episode, but no promises (a lot of cheers were heard). 

He said the hardest episode he had to write was Holmes’ revelation when Shinichi confessed to Ran in London. (A lot of awws were heard). Well that’s about all that were significant enough for me to remember haha. 

Next was the autograph session whereby only 100 people were allowed. I hate it when they say such stuff. I hate competition…Not because I hate losing. But I just dislike idea of having to compete for everything in life…so annoying. Anyway I managed to purchase a random copy of the manga and got his autograph! And a picture of course! 

So I guess another name in the “People I will like to meet before they/I die” list down. Was thinking about all the people I got to meet so far and I feel quite satisfied. Although some was just from a distance away, still glad I got to meet them! Managed to meet all my fav kpop groups (Beast, Infinite, Mblaq & Teen Top) & some good people on Youtube like David Choi, Wongfu Productions & JinnyboyTV. (They came tgt so killing 3 birds with 1 stone). The best part of it all was meeting Ryan Higa 🙂 Although it was really far away but I wouldn’t know what to do if you put me near him………🙊

Ok anyway gtg. Time to restart my engine and hit the books zzzzzzzz. zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ god damn it finals! 

Peace out! #randombuildings 

See you on the other side, Ray 

Last stretch of road towards Finals.

Last stretch of road before 2016 ends. 

I feel like 2016 is trying very hard to make me say, “Damn it, 2016, you win. You’re worse than 2013 so you win.” 

Oh yes 2016 was full of ups and downs, I can almost call it a legendary year (but like in the bad way….bad legends lol). But I refuse to say it!!!!!! After surviving 2013, I promised myself that no other year can be as bad as it. Of course it is not always true but hey, if I survived 2013 there’s no reason why I won’t pull through other bad years. 

Ah but anyway, I am on the last stretch of the road before this sem ends officially… so, fight on ^^

If I lay here

What a day it has been. I skipped a lecture to ketchup with my readings but ended up chit chatting with my roomie. I realise it’s kind of nice to listen to the perspectives of a foreign student, or even that of someone from different culture. The aftermath of too much cultural psych hehe 😛  It’s my favourite mod tho, HELLA INTERESTING! Every lecture just amazes me. Although I can’t help agreeing with Sheldon at times that “Psychology is the doofus of the sciences”, but interesting facts still amaze me. 

Today was a pretty good day albeit unproductive. I kept rewatching Ryan’s latest video, which was Trump and Clinton’s duet. Perhaps my 笑点 is naturally low, but I kept laughing over it. Hilarious shit. God, Ryan, your videos are an instant mood lifter. On a side note, I think it’s about to rain super heavily in the west. And it’s kind of creepy because the wind is so strong so the blinds kept flying up and down…and smashing against the windows. As if hall one is not creepy enough…. But it’s okay. It’s Halloween today. 

Had a really long convo with Bope today. Something I haven’t had in a long while because we never caught each other at the right time. Secretly I’m kind of touched because two of my friends on exchange never fail to send me “How have you been?” texts occasionally. Amidst all that beautiful European sceneries and they remember ME?! Huge deal bro. I was even more shocked Bope had our picture as her wallpaper. Oh well, hurry home Tan Bope, I miss you too. So many stories to tell, so many plans to make, so many inside jokes to laugh at. 

HAIZ so as you can see, I was very productive in ketching up with all my friends from all over the world.


P.S. For some reason Chasing Cars is stuck in my head. And I listened to it on replay for three hours straight. 

If I lay here,

If I just lay here.

Would you lie with me,

And just forget the world? 

…Yes I would.