Welcome home, kiyodu

Yes I just welcomed myself back to my own blog. I haven’t written here for god knows how long. The funny thing about blogging online is that I should be prepared to feel exposed. Yet when people start reading my posts in front of me, I really want to crawl into a bush and pretend I am a little mouse. Nibbling on a cheese. Why do people do that? Don’t read my posts in front of me! I am embarrassed!

So today I am typing online because I had such a long day writing notes in preparation for finals. Hence my hand kinda hurts. Not gonna write in my diary. A song has been stuck in my head today……Wise men sayyyy, only fools rush innnn. But I can’t helpppp falling in love with youuuuu. 🙂 This song was in Reply 1988 too. Hmm, you know how every Dec 31 I tell myself I will never study last minute anymore? I think this sem it’s gonna happen again. For some reason no matter how early I start revising, nearing my finals I will panic like mad and forget stuff. It’s horrible! By the way, when you travel home at night on a train, are you always looking down at your phone? I seldom do that. Honestly, I dislike having a phone. Sadly it’s a MUST to have a phone nowadays because that’s how people communicate with me. I feel like I want to live off the grid but it’s too difficult to do in this society. Just look at the number of whatsapp groups I have………How irresponsible will it be if I just lock my phone away? Too many responsibilities here and there…

But I seldom look down at my phone on the MRT train. I like to stare out of the window, but if I can’t do that, I stare at humans. I stare at this man sleeping with his mouth open and wonder how hard he must have worked today. I stare at this aunty standing in front of priority seats, but no one giving up their seats for her. I stare at the back of her head and stare at the guy who kept glancing at her yet continue sitting. I stare at this woman who was staring back at me. I stare at this two students and wonder how their school day went. I stare at this TPJC girl and wonder how TPJC is now. I stare at couples, at their kids, at the things people buy. I stare at the old man and wonder what regrets does he have in life. Then I stare at my own reflection and wonder when did I grew so big? When did the wide-eyed cheeky little girl became this tired, anxious young adult?

And as I stare at all these people, I can’t help wondering who cried themselves to sleep, who just broke up, who just lost someone, who almost killed themselves last night. See the thing is, we are all very broken, aren’t we? We are all….very….broken….

Can they tell? That I had a terrible day, that I am so tired of my life now? That I am still looking for a solid life purpose? Can they tell I am turning 21 soon? Can they tell I am afraid of the future? Can they tell that I still have no idea how VISA and NETS work? Can they tell I don’t understand a single thing about stocks? Can they tell I don’t know how to be an adult? Or am I just another tired looking commuter on the train?

I went to macs to grab a caramel frappe. Do you know I dislike that drink? My mind has associated that drink with exams. Whenever you see me drinking it, you know I am feeling damn stressed about exams and about to pull an all-nighter. I really dislike caffeine. Anyway they called my number 260 but I didn’t hear. I was staring at the number board but I swear 260 never showed. But ya know….the lady insisted she called, so I became the one who apologise… Ah well…Time wasted BUT

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. I didn’t enjoy that part of course. But guess what? While walking home I met a neighbor’s dog. The maid was so friendly and she let me pet the dog. It was adorable!!! It placed its paws on my knee and gazed at me.

Puppy, you knew I had a bad day didn’t you?

Puppy you had a shiny fur coat and bright eyes. Your family loves you don’t they?

Puppy, you know there’s a lot of dogs out there who are not so lucky?

Puppy, one day I am going to help your friends. And I hope they will be as lucky as you when they find their new homes.

Puppy, stay healthy and joyful alright?

Thanks Puppy, you have no idea you made me tear up in happiness, right?

Celebrated my friend HF’s 21st today. A very simple birthday celebration. These are the friends I really cherish. I think all of us been through a lot together. These are the friends I don’t always share a lot of things with, yet when I meet them, it’s always chill and happy. I can’t believe we are all turning 21. To me, I feel like we are still 15 year olds sitting in the classrooms learning about amath and all that shit. Do you know that we are a bunch of friends who seldom celebrate each other’s birthdays too?! I find that amusing and I really like that fact a lot. Sometimes I think their presence are enough. My circle of close friends is honestly super duper small. But…thankful for each and every one of them.

Anyway this post is almost a thousand words. This could have been my Stats project report. That project is really a burden, by the way.

 

AHHHHHHH I just can’t wait for finals to be over and take a breather. I am sooooooo tired by everything in life right now.

 

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