Random thoughts that tire my brain

I got reminded of a book I once read. I think it’s called Pivot Point. The female lead could conduct a “Search” and artificially live out the consequences of the different choices she made. And then she’s allowed to return back to reality AND make the actual choice. Sometimes (like today), I honestly think I made a lot of wrong decisions in my life. Maybe if I hadn’t done that 6 years ago, maybe if I hadn’t said that 11 years ago etc. Then maybe I wouldn’t be going through this today, or living like this today, or losing some people today.

They always say the choices you made, makes you the person you are today. If you hadn’t done that you wouldn’t have met this person blah blah blah. But I really think if you had make the other choice, you’re gonna say the same thing too. Because you wouldn’t know what you’re missing out if you didn’t make this choice. And you would think that the other choice you made brought you to a better place. Or made you a better person. If you don’t know what you’re missing out, that means you’re not missing out on anything? Is that really true? You could have made a wrong choice but lie to yourself, “I’m glad I did that because it taught me to be a better person.” I don’t know why people always say that. I’m thinking saying that will only be useful if I could actually go back in time and then make that right decision. Only that will make me a better person, no?

The only good thing about making wrong life decisions is that your life become so wrong that it can’t go more wrong. I hope?

I remembered when I was 11, I was exploring the calendar on the hand phone. I kept scrolling past the months, from 2006…to 2010….and I remember reaching 2013 and thinking, “WOW. I’ll be 18 in 2013?!?! Can’t imagine myself being 18!” I really thought that when I am 18, things will be different. Maybe I’ll have more things figured out. Maybe I will be different.

But now I’m 19 I still have no idea what I’m doing. And I’m still making random “life” decisions on impulse. AND thinking the Future Me can handle the consequences of my impulsive decisions. AND THEN realizing sometimes I really can’t. And then having to pretend that “oh it made me a better person”.

It’s kind of crazy of when you realise that every single decision you’re making will lead you to different places in life. Perhaps you decided to eat a burger today. And this is the same burger that gave you that extra layer of fats. This is the same layer of fats that will somehow stay accumulated over the years and eventually gives you a disease. The very disease that kills you in 3014. Maybe if you didn’t eat that burger today, you’ll live till 3015. And that’s when you strike a million dollar lottery. You decided to go on a holiday with that money and while climbing a mountain, you fell to your death. So maybe you shouldn’t have won that lottery. But then you lost your job and went bankrupt. You’re now homeless and eventually froze to death. So maybe you should have won. Or maybe eating that burger would be better.

Infinite possibilities, I guess we will never find out. There are so many sperms, so many eggs. What if another sperm won? What if another egg was used? There will be another you but it isn’t exactly you. And the other you will be berating herself/himself for making bad life decisions, and she/he wonders what will happen if another sperm won.

How did I end up talking about winner sperms and loser sperms? No idea.

But hey if you’re still alive, it means the bad life decisions you made aren’t that bad right? I’m glad that all the bad decisions I made did not give me the flesh-eating bacteria. Those things are so nasty. (Things to be thankful for!)

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